This has been a heavy weekend. I got my cat, Jasmine. (pics later when she wants to stay still)

I also found out my friends are worried about me. It's a weird feeling, especially since I'm never the one to worry about. But worse than that weird feeling was the next feeling that slammed into me. The realization that what I've been hoping for in the back of my mind, what has kept me going on my bad days, is never going to happen.

There is some odd relief knowing that it's over, it is still ridiculously hard to wrap my head around. While there was never any reason to believe that it was not over, I let my mind and heart mingle together for too long.

Two friends (an old and a new) told me (in the gentlest way possible) that if it was meant to be and if he loved me enough it would happen, but it's not happening.

In my head I thought of every reason to make it work, to try, to think it was worth saving. For every reason, Jenny said "Ciera those are great reasons, but you can't make someone think that way, and you shouldn't be the only one thinking that way. If he loved you enough, he, no matter how confusing or hard, would be asking you how to help him make it work and he's not doing anything close." It was then, then again at 3am, then again on the phone with K, that I realized it was over.

So on my bed with Jasmine lying next to me, silently crying, I told myself it was time to let go. While I think I'm worth it and I feel the opportunity is a once in a lifetime opportunity, if he doesn't feel that way, then we weren't meant to be.

In the end, there is nothing sad about that. I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason, and while our reason wasn't a lifetime, it was everything it could've been.

I miss everything about my last two years at Truman, but I couldn't stay in college forever and I can't make us flip to the same page.