I've missed you

Today in the mail I got my registration confirmation from the State Bar of California and oddly, I was filled with pride. Now I'm gonna go ahead and note that all that is required to be part of the state Bar of CA at this point is to be a first year law student and pay $92(the beginning of a long relationship where I pay a ton of money to the bar and they give me not a lot in return), but for the first time in awhile I was proud of myself. This letter helped me realize that I should be proud of myself.

I'm in law school and I know it's not the best law school, but it's not a bad school, and I got a really nice scholarship to come here, which is hard. (Do not ask me how I got the scholarship, I still do not know)

I also moved out here knowing very few people, none that are my age, I found an apartment by myself, take care of everything by myself, and am surviving in a big scary city.

I should be proud of myself.

For a while I lost my fire, I lost what made me, well, me. That spark that used to lead me to do whatever I wanted, to follow my dreams, to tell myself I could survive anything and be better for it.

When I moved out here and the weight of all that I left behind fell on me, I figuratively lay down and let it smother me. I looked at myself in the mirror and had no idea who I was looking at. Where was the girl that was so self-proclaimed? Where was the girl that vowed to be better then Missouri? (this is not to be taken wrong, I love Mo, and living away from it has given me a whole new appreciation for all it has to offer, but it was never my dream)

I've always taken everything head on, I've always labeled myself as a survivor and a strong one at that, but I let it go. There was a little voice that always reminded me what I used to be when I woke up just as defeated as when I fell asleep, but I pushed it away.

But this stupid letter reminded me that I've done so much, accomplished more than most of my high school class (I'm sure this is the true way to measure success, however wrong it may be), and am more than just a survivor, I'm the girl I've always wanted and used to be.

Of course my heart is still broken, this is inevitable in love. Would I be lying if I said I wanted things to work out exactly as they did/have? Yes. But...I can only do so much.

Even love that lasts forever breaks your heart one way or another. This is why I vowed to never love again after Alex, but I found someone worthy of making me want to love again, I found someone I would give a broken heart for.

Nothing lasts forever, as every emo, alternative rock song sings over and over again.

I'm proud to say that I was in love so profoundly that I lost myself when I lost it.

But I have to be who I am because that's what got me this far, and it will get me through whatever may happen next.

Yeah, it's still hard, I'm not going to pretend that it's not, but it's also what makes me a better me. Corny, but true.