I love having a cat-it's almost like having a bf.

Tonight Jasmine chased and ate a spider for me! Not only did she kill it, she got rid of the body!

Last week I was cursing living alone because I had to catch and put a spider outside, but a cat finds it entertaining and fulfilling. Things are looking up.

I'm getting over my cold, but it's not gone yet. Of course I want a ciggy soooooo bad and I can't- it will make me feel worse. And I don't know how many times I yelled at sick people for smoking while sick (one person in particular). So I need to be strong and wait until I'm better.

GG was super good this week. Blair and Chuck were back to their old selves, S finally got involved in the G situation, and...well that's it. I don't care about anyone else. (Vanessa and Little J are boring, as is Nate)

I bought my plane ticket today for Christmas. Don't know how I feel about that yet, except it will be nice to not have a billion things going on for 3 weeks. And my outlines will be updated for 3 whole weeks before they need more work. Plus I do miss my family and Saphira. And I get to see K!

Anyway, that's not for 2 and a half months.

I should work on contractsssssssss but I don't want to. It's my least favorite class. Maybe I'll go to bed early, wake up early, and get a fresh start...good plan.

ugh. I'm pretty sure God loves kicking me when I'm down.

Today I have a presentation, Westlaw training, a group project and class, this is a busy day, but no prob. Except I woke up with a cold (wtf? it's 75 degrees here), I started my period, and midterms are next week.

The upsetting thing is it's totally my fault I have this cold. I haven't really been taking care of myself, and I know when I get stressed my immune system takes a nosedive.

oh well, what do they say? "It's always darkest before the dawn"? I'll just think of that.

I hope I don't give Jasmine my cold, can that happen?

This has been a heavy weekend. I got my cat, Jasmine. (pics later when she wants to stay still)

I also found out my friends are worried about me. It's a weird feeling, especially since I'm never the one to worry about. But worse than that weird feeling was the next feeling that slammed into me. The realization that what I've been hoping for in the back of my mind, what has kept me going on my bad days, is never going to happen.

There is some odd relief knowing that it's over, it is still ridiculously hard to wrap my head around. While there was never any reason to believe that it was not over, I let my mind and heart mingle together for too long.

Two friends (an old and a new) told me (in the gentlest way possible) that if it was meant to be and if he loved me enough it would happen, but it's not happening.

In my head I thought of every reason to make it work, to try, to think it was worth saving. For every reason, Jenny said "Ciera those are great reasons, but you can't make someone think that way, and you shouldn't be the only one thinking that way. If he loved you enough, he, no matter how confusing or hard, would be asking you how to help him make it work and he's not doing anything close." It was then, then again at 3am, then again on the phone with K, that I realized it was over.

So on my bed with Jasmine lying next to me, silently crying, I told myself it was time to let go. While I think I'm worth it and I feel the opportunity is a once in a lifetime opportunity, if he doesn't feel that way, then we weren't meant to be.

In the end, there is nothing sad about that. I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason, and while our reason wasn't a lifetime, it was everything it could've been.

I miss everything about my last two years at Truman, but I couldn't stay in college forever and I can't make us flip to the same page.

I feel so old. During the week I'm tired by 10:30. This is really scary, but I am hoping it reflects how much I'm putting into school.

In other news, I am SO glad I jumped on the Glee train. I think the show is super cute and fun.

GG is having a slow start, but I'm going to give it some time. I think they just need to settle into life after high school. Although B and Chuck are ridiculously cute. Luckily I love them or I would be annoyed with their happiness.

Whittier is getting settled, the cliches are starting, the gossip is warming up, and people are starting to hook up. When you have classes with the same 90 people everyday, I would just say be careful, but I don't because I reap the benefits. So many people warned me that law school was ridiculously similar to high school-Only law school is like a high school where you can get drunk more and people are trying to stab you in the back for grades (not boys)

Unlike Truman, I am happy to be uninvolved.

I've decided I'm jumping the cat bandwagon and getting a cat.(shout-out Cathy!) Pets are in, I guess. I really want a dog, but I don't have time this year. Maybe next year when I have more time, but with a cat I don't have to worry about coming back too drunk to walk it. The kitten rescue people are coming on Weds to do a home-check (they don't realize it will take them all of 10 seconds to look at my entire apartment) then hopefully I get approved(I will be a perfect cat mom, who is a better pet person then someone who doesn't like kids? No one). Then Stormy (formally) / Jasmine will be delivered to me--I've decided to try and name every pet I have after a Disney character. Like a dog, a kitten would be great, but I decided that's not really fair. I would hate for a kitten to be left here when I'm at class or out, I'm just so busy I would never have anytime to play with it as much as I would want to. An adult kitty is used to hanging out alone and they sleep a lot. Jasmine is a perfect year and a half.

I decided I need something to come home to and something to do when I get tired of reading. In K-ville I was always surrounded by people and

now I'm making new friends, but I live alone (I get to throw my bras on the floor!) so I need another

life force around.

I knew Jasmine was the one for me when we m

et. She isn't the most beautiful cat, but when they took her out of her cage(I should be approved just because my apartment is not a cage) I knew. I sat on the ground while she roamed around, but she came right over and climbed in my lap.

I also like her because when people tap on the glass at PetCo she ignores them.

And what a purrfect (I'm tired) weekend to get her, si

nce I don't have class on Monday.

In other news, I went wine tasting on Friday in Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara is so pretty.

I did not take this, btw. Wine tasting was nice, the guys we were with got so annoying-Jenny and I were over it at the end, but it was still a nice day away. Before we started driving back though we went to this beach in Isla Vista and it was, I don't know, so cool. It was all foggy and windy and beautiful in the saddest way. It made me remember why I moved here. I'll put up a pic, but it's not as good as the one's I took with my phone (which I have no idea how to put on my laptop) You can still see how wonderful it is.

There are these huge rocks right in the middle of the water, I so wanted to go sit on it as the waves crashed up with the wind in my hair-Circa Little Mermaid. I didn't because I was drunk and it was cold. Maybe next time.

I wish someone would tell me how to feel or how to deal. (I'm aware this rhymes) It's been 2 and half months and I still feel like I left yesterday. Why won't this feel better? How long is it supposed to take? ugh.

I hate how emo this is too-Don't think you're alone.

Yeah this didn't make me feel better. Next option.... It sucks when you have to take class into account. hm.

So, I decided to suck it up and quit moping around my apartment this morning. I thought going to the beach might make me feel better, since it's the one of the reasons for my move. And the best I ever feel now is when I'm driving down PCH with the windows down at night. It makes me like I'm in an alternative music video. Or Marissa.

I decided the morning is the best time for a beach walk, mostly because the fog/morning clouds are really conducive for making me feel more emo.

I love that sucking feeling when the water goes out. Like the ocean is trying to pull you with it

I really want to live in one of those cute houses right on the ocean. You can't see how cute they are, but trust me.

Then I had to go back and do some Contracts. I honestly did not put my desk in this very studious order-This is how it looks when I study. I don't even have to try to have like 20 books open a the same time. (My coffee has chocolate eclair creamer in it which I would recommend)

Well, I feel very artistic (this is my artistic peak, although I made pop out scrapbook once)

so I've done what I can for the day.

Ok subconscious, you are not helping-I'm trying to move on, but you refuse to let me.

I've had dreams about him the last two nights and I wake up sad. As you can imagine, it really puts a damper on the rest of my day.

When I watch Tool Academy 2, I realize that no matter what--life is not that bad.

Or "More to Love" -if it wasn't on Tuesday night I would play this great drinking game I made up where you take a shot every time a girl cries. If you've ever seen the show, you would know that this game would fucking floor you. I'm crossing my fingers for a second season.

Reality TV heals....or at least makes me laugh.

Now to do Civ Pro tonight or tomorrow morning...?

I'm blogging because I promised myself I would start my outlines today....so here I am!

It really isn't hard, just tedious and probably good for me to start putting stuff together. ugh.

I went out on Thursday, which was fun and really good for me. It was nice to see everyone outside of the school scene and to drink. We went out in Huntington Beach on Main Street which leads to the pier which is out over the ocean. It blows my mind that the ocean is just right there. Like I could just go walk into it. I wouldn't cause like I was drunk and it's really cold, but other than that-right there.

Everyday gets a little better. When people say that, I'm like yeah ok whatev. But it does. For a few weeks living alone was one of the hardest things I've done. Esp in a new place starting all over alone with my thoughts. But what I realized is that living alone allows you to face things head on. I can't escape how I feel and my thoughts seem to echo, but the more I face it, the easier it is. I really think I have to let the pain wash over me when it comes and just deal. If I run away, it will catch up to me later, and I'll have to face it then. I don't know, it just seems better this way.

What I can't deal with is being lied to and disappointed. The sad thing is, I'll forever remember everything with a tinge of what happened at the end. Maybe I don't deserve what I needed, but I was promised it. I counted on that.

Ok, seriously, outlines.