New Year's Eve

with Laura Lasher (!!!!) and Sam (I saw her already this break) and no Grish ( :( ).

I guess you can't have everything.

Admissions

I love being from a small town, well mostly I love that I always have a small town to return to.

While I always knew I wanted to be in a big city for a while or forever, there is a certain charm to having a small hometown to come back to. And having that kind of upbringing.

I guess it's a best of both worlds sit.

There is an odd comfort in knowing everyone in town and knowing some things don't change.

I mean I could walk around the Fulton Wal-Mart blind, while sad, there is something to be said for that. If I go out in Fulton for whatever reason, I see at least one person I know. I enjoy that in little doses (every 6 months)

Like my dad and I went to this "classy" dive diner in town and they didn't have a side he wanted, so the owner brought us 3 other sides to make up for it. That just doesn't happen in a big city.

I couldn't ever live here, that's for sure, but I do miss it. Something I didn't think would ever happen until I moved across the country. I guess part of that "you don't know what you have until it's gone" saying applies. Kinda.

I wanted to leave and grow up and do big things. And I'm working on that, but coming back to a town where people knew you when you still couldn't talk keeps you grounded.

I just want to be appreciative. If this year taught me anything, it is to appreciate all the good things I have in my life. Big and small, the things you can count on to be there when you need them to are priceless.

Do I sound old?

DONE BITCHES

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

um..what?

Did you know about this show on NBC called "The Sing Off"???

I did not.

Let me help you out if you were as oblivious as me:

-Nick Lachey hosts, obviously he has been looking for work lately.

- It's a show for groups of a capella singers. Do not think that because they are on tv they get more cool, they are even dorkier given an outlet and the limelight.

- The judges are the best, so get ready.

The stereotypical black guy judge: some guy from Boyz II Men. (he is REALLY looking for work)

The sweet always-has-something-nice-to-say-even-if-it-sucks woman(read: useless): Nicole swerskwhatever from the Pussycat Dolls. She is clearly qualified to look for the next big a capella group.

And 3. The one people might actually listen to guy:---get ready for it...

BEN FOLDS!

really Ben Folds? really?!?!

I mean I guess he's not been up to a lot lately, but this show???

Although I have been mocking it, I can't stop watching...

Luckily break is coming so I can keep up "The Sing Off"

from revved to empty

One more left.

There is no way to describe these past two weeks other then stop and go, go, go.

It's all study and then a literal pouring of information. Once that final starts 3 hours fly by and I sit there kind of stunned and exhausted.

Everyone seems to be reacting differently. A lot of my friends have been throwing up (I've kept with my normal appetite, unfortunately), others have taken my route which is to have a random break down. Luckily mine occurred while already in bed.

I just found myself breathing through uncontrollable sobs. I knew it wasn't going to stop by any power of God, so I let run its course. I felt sorry for myself for a good 10 minutes and then dry eyes.

Thursday at noon, I will be finished with my first semester of law school. I can not even type this without a smile rushing to my face. I might fail every final (I guess they are technically Midterms since these are year classes, but 50% of a grade sounds more like a final to me)

but I made it through a semester. Fuck everything but that.

On Saturday I fly back to Missouri. ughhhhhh

It's almost depressing. I mean of course I am excited to see my parents and some other people and not do anything and have my mom cook for me and etc. But I will miss my new home.

I'll be missing New Year's here (although Grishma alone makes up for this) and I'll be missing Jenny's birthday and oh THE SUN.

Good and bad, I will make the most of my trip.

Because that's what I do....That's a lie, I bitch a lot and drink.

But at least I have a plan.

finalsfinalsfinals

I am tired. Mentally. I have never studied for anything so much in my life. Starting on Thursday, we started the" studying as a career" plan. Basically, that means studying from 9:30-5. everyday.

It is insane that an entire day goes by and there is more to do the next day and the next. Although it sucks, I understand that it is necessary.......but one can't really study without complaining-so, I'm only doing what is required.

But the first final is tomorrow and I'm actually excited to just get one over with.

I fear, though, that once the chaos starts, I will have fight to stay alive until it comes to a sudden halt and I find myself on a plane to Mo. [drunk]

By the way: it sounds really fucking cold there and I am not looking forward to stepping outside. I've already warned my parents I am not going outside unless I absolutely have to. Translation: someone is dying and only I can save them and I care that they are dying.

okmorestudying.

add on

I realized I needed to add on Grishy.

I am super thankful for Grishma, I could not survive anything without her. Even though she claims to hate every guy I've ever dated, (this just gives me faith that if she ever likes one, I may be on to something) I don't need to expand, but we have been best friends since high school and survived every up and down possible.

Ok November, thank you for reminding me all I should be thankful for every single day.

The light at the end is dim at this point

I had such a good time with Jeremey! It was just what I needed for a week and before finals start oh so soon. And Jasmine loved him, they totally bonded. He even found one of her toy mice in his luggage when he got home. Pretty cute.

Saturday-Jenny and I picked him up from the airport. He was drunk when he got off the plane, because somehow he got the flight attendant to give him free drinks. I have NO idea how he did that. We went to dinner and drank the strongest drinks ever.

Sunday-super good day, super surprises. We started at the beach then went to visit Jessica. Long story short we ended up outside of the American Music Awards. Chaos and star-gazing then ensued. My pictures will tell a better story.

Monday-pizza and beer (wine for me) at home.

Tuesday-Jeremey met my summer people-they loved him. One comment was "he's adorable, marry him!" I informed them I was one of the few people that had no desire to do so, but he is a good friend. We then had another long night with a gross bar where Jeremey and I felt right at home and then some people came over. Security came by and told us to be quiet. It was fun.

Wednesday-Kyle and Charles's b-day dinner in downtown. This was fine, Jeremey fit right in and all my friends loved him, but it wasn't as fun as I expected. At the end of the night we ended up on USC's campus around the row (where the greeks are) We were at some Beta hangout, Jeremey asked a lot of questions about ATO there. It was all very informative.

Thursday-Thanksgiving, tv, laying around. I then made Jeremey go to New Moon with Breen and I. lol. This one was better then the first btw. I actually kind of liked it. Other then Kristen Stewart sucking the only good parts out of Bella, other then that though.

Then dinner, which was nice.

Friday-slept in, made Jeremey take me shopping with his Urban Outfitters discount card before he flew home.

I thought I would do work after he left...no go. Jenny wanted me to hangout while some of her hs friends and hubby were home. So we started drinking at 7 which means she was holding my hair back and keeping my purse off the floor by 12. classy. To be fair, it was the first time I made her do that.

Anyway, there are only 3 days left of class, then finals start next Weds, the 9th.

UGHHHHHH. I am so fucking scared. I can't even discuss it right now.

I am just going to round out the last few days with a few big thanks

Jeremey-it was nice to have someone from home around and someone that so comfortably fit in and made it easy to have fun. Sometimes combining 2 worlds is really stressful, but not with Jeremey-I think that's a good sign.

Jenny-I thank God everyday I found her during orientation. She is fun and such good friend. She is quick to be there for me and to remind me of all I have and how lucky I am. The second I get mopey, she is there to turn it around. I don't know how I could've survived this semester without her.

My Family-I didn't realize how much I missed them until I spent my first Thanksgiving away from them. They would do anything and everything for me. I'm honestly a little ashamed it's taken me this long to appreciate them. I had such a good life growing up and am surrounded by so much love. I can't wait to spend time with them around Christmas....although, don't get me wrong, all this love will fade after my first week home.

Ok well I should either try to get more studying done or go to bed early.

2012 was the least of our star-studded experiences

best night ever

Jasmine is such a bitch when I'm gone all day

Today probably could have been more productive, but I'm happy that it wasn't.

I met Jenny at Starbucks and we were good for a little while (after lunch of course) but we got sick of studying and stopped. So we got massages at this place Jenny knows. It's a little shady, but you get an hour for $25! It was not too shady for that price. I feel soooooo much better-My shoulders were killing me.

Then we couldn't decide what to do so we went back to the Sunset Beach Starbucks to smoke and figure it out. The seriously know our names now. One girl hair complimented my hair last Sunday, because I actually did it

We decided on a movie, our first instinct was Couples Retreat (you should always go with your first instinct) but then we saw that An Education got 4 and a half stars, so we thought why not?

4 and a half stars was not an inaccurate rating. I just couldn't connect with the characters and no one seemed to care that a 16 year old student was falling in live with a creepy 35 year old. Plus you never believed they were in love. Not once. (In New Moon, I know that Bella and Edward are in love...just saying) Anyway, it was not good, and they did that small production camera shit where the camera focuses on something for 10 seconds too long. Like why are we looking at cookies and tea for so long? What do they mean? Do they signify something I didn't catch? Oh no, you are just trying to make up for your lack of character development, ok, yeah.

I was semi-disappointed because usually those little movies are pretty good. No go here.

Anyway, now I am going to do some minimal get ready for Jeremey shit before I go to bed.

Unlike normal schools, I have class Mon, Tues, Weds next week. So I need to read for the week tomo, oh, and finish that memo.

You never thought a 5-6 page paper could be more frustrating and demanding.

But tomo night, Jeremey!!!!!!!! I'm so excited to see him and for him to see everything here. I can't believe it's almost Thanksgiving, who would've thought time would go on?

not me.

btw:

Nov 17: Keiko, she may not be the fanciest car in Whittier's parking lot(or close), but I love her and she does everything I need a car to do. She has lasted me through so much

Nov 18: Glee, if you haven't seen it, you should.

Nov 19: My health, you never think about how lucky you are to be healthy until you get sick.

Nov 20: Self-reliance, I know it's lame, but I shouldn't just be happy for tv and material things. Grishma always says "you only have yourself to trust" I don't necessarily believe that, but I do think trusting yourself is priceless.

Finals are going to be the real start of a challenging and depreciating (if I let it be) time. Law school and the BAR can eat people and spit them out if they loose themselves. I must trust that I am where I need to be and am completely capable of getting through this alive.

After a long day on campus..

I am NOT allowed to go shopping. I went to American Apparel, for a pair of leggings and I spent over $100. This can not happen again, although I did need everything I bought...

right?

Like one of those dress shirt dresses? Those are so cute and practical, sexy yet kind of professional...I've been meaning to get one forever. And that fleece sweatshirt dress? who wouldn't need one in law school? comfortable and easy. And leggings, I seriously did need those...

Yeah, no more shopping.

Why does every potential couple on GG suck other than B and Chuck? Vanessa and Dan? seriously? at least they are the two characters I like the least...and Nate spilling his heart to S? sooooo two seasons ago, seriously, two seasons ago he spilled his heart at the masquerade. He even talks about that same moment while he is doing it AGAIN.

I'll wait it out...even though they are skipping next week, don't think I didn't notice the date of the next new episode.

Thanks, thanks, thanks:

Nov 11-CIGGYS (this I am thankful for everyday)

Nov 12-chapstick

Nov 13-freezer peanut butter (my friend Kyle taught me this trick of sticking a spoonful of peanut butter in the freezer for 20 minutes. It's like a peanut butter popsicle!)

Nov 14-one week til Jeremey arrives

Nov 15-starbucks study dates

Nov 16-loan $$$, obvi

TA help?

I went to my Property TA this afternoon and at the end of a somewhat "helpful" session (future estates are stupid and I hate them)

--"Truly, Madly, Deeply" just started playing on my Itunes, I'm gonna let it play---

I was expressing how absolutely frightened I was of not doing well and how scary it is that our entire grades are based off of ONE 3 hour final (this not true for every class, some are based off of TWO 3 hour finals) and being in the lowest 30% that gets kicked out. He was then telling me that I shouldn't worry as he has talked to some real idiots this semester and if I work hard I should be fine. So I was feeling ok, feeling some (a tiny bit) of my stress subside, then he goes on..He starts talking about how I should have these 12 hour days of class and pure studying and if I prematurely (how immature is it that I immediately thought of ejaculation and had to cover my mouth as to not smile openly?) hit a wall I should go on a walk and listen to a recording OF ONE OF MY CASEBOOKS. Are you fucking kidding me?

A recording of my casebook?

No.

Even if that were to guarantee me the number 1 spot in my class, I doubt I would do it.

He's all yeah, it's all on my iPod. Ok I get it, you're in the top 10, you're a Dean's Fellow and a TA, but you, sir, are fucking insane.

So now I'm guessing I will get kicked out and have to move home and work at the Fulton McDonald's. But I will get to listen to whatever I want on my iPod.

Ahhh Thanks

Nov 7-The weekend, these are extremely important for studying and staying above water, and once in a while drinking.

Nov 8-The Kardashians, Kim always proves to be my fav. Kourtney is stupid and Khloe is a huge bitch.

Nov 9-Sleeping Pills

Nov 10-Cali weather, 80 degrees in Nov.

Back to studying, I don't want to prematurely (lol) hit a wall.

Keeping Up

With thankfulness and school. This is touch and go.

Nov 3-California Planned Parenthood, I got 13 months of the pill and two packs of Plan B (for some reason the doctor thought I'm crazily having sex all over the area) for FREE!

Nov 4-Professor Leary, she makes torts and life as a law student a little better

Nov 5-South Coast Plaza Shopping Center (this goes hand in hand with thankfulness for loans)

Nov 6- My new mattress, coupled with my mattress cover, sheer bliss.

ohai november

I can't believe it's already November.

Halloween was a success. We went to a house party in LA, I started the night off as a "princess" (this included getting a really pink dress and tiara at Target), but who knows at the end. I had on my leather jacket most of the night because we were outside, so my costume lost some of its flair. Later, I lost my tiara and was wearing a lumber-jack hat...Basically I was nothing for Halloween. Anyway, we all got really drunk and forgot most of what we did, so as I said: success.

My friends did inform me that some guy kept trying to talk to me and I kept telling him he was lame (lame?)-Geoff said the guy looked really confused and hurt, I'm just glad I'm still my same old wasted self in LA. You really don't know how happy that makes me.

Ugh, today I realized I'm getting really tired from school. For months it's just been push, push, push, and I'm starting to slow down at the worst possible time. I just need to focus and push through until finals are over. Which is totally possible, I just have to keep reminding myself...

Every year I hear about this challenge where you pick something everyday in November to be thankful for and I never do it. I wasn't going to this year either, but today I was pleasantly surprised when I got home, so I took it as a sign.

Here we go:

Nov 1-Daylight Savings Time, extra hour of sleep, thank you.

Nov 2-Got out of property 40 minutes early, got a care package from my grandparents, and my Urban order came.

I am also thankful for The Office

and maybe GG, but I hate when they make S and B fight, they do it EVERY season...hmm..Maybe it's in a contract somewhere.

I don't know what to be for halloween

I want a costume that is cute, low key, easy, and not absolutely stupid.

I do this every Halloween, so I'll do what I do every year and wait until the last minute.

89 degrees and sunny

It was so hot today, I am not complaining...a lot. I didn't even want to smoke between classes because it was too hot. That very fact is how I know I am not a real smoker. If I can't even brave the elements to get nicotine, I am a fake. This makes me happy.

So I just finished what our legal writing professors call a "Research Path". It took soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long. Seriously. Probably like 10 hours altogether, for 40 points, in a legal writing class, not even Civ Pro where I should probably be spending an extra 10 hours (this will come and be hell)

I'm so annoyed, like when as an attorney will I have to fight 60 other people for the same book, and do all this other stupid shit? Never.

Oh well, it's finished now. Although after GG I have so much reading for Torts, which I hate because I'm always so pumped after GG-All that yelling at the characters and "OMFGs" really get me going.

Maybe I will wait to post this until after Gossip Girl so I can write about it and calm down. A ciggy will also help and it's....71 degrees now (thank you Dashboard!) so I can handle that.

Oh No! Nest week's trailer led me to believe it could be the end on B and S...that just can't happen. Well... as long as B and Chuck are together it probably could, they are the hottest, messiest couple ever and I love it. Tonight was good, but not crazy good, but good enough to make me happy. On a side note: Little J is boring, they tried making her really "poor" and sad, then they had her run away and play with Marissa's little sister, and now she is queen and I'm still bored.

Another side note, Family Guy is now on (I know some of you do not like Family Guy, but I think it is hilar) and it's the Star Wars episode and they just made this joke about downtown LA but you would only get it if you lived in LA and I totally got it!!

My night is now complete.

I've missed you

Today in the mail I got my registration confirmation from the State Bar of California and oddly, I was filled with pride. Now I'm gonna go ahead and note that all that is required to be part of the state Bar of CA at this point is to be a first year law student and pay $92(the beginning of a long relationship where I pay a ton of money to the bar and they give me not a lot in return), but for the first time in awhile I was proud of myself. This letter helped me realize that I should be proud of myself.

I'm in law school and I know it's not the best law school, but it's not a bad school, and I got a really nice scholarship to come here, which is hard. (Do not ask me how I got the scholarship, I still do not know)

I also moved out here knowing very few people, none that are my age, I found an apartment by myself, take care of everything by myself, and am surviving in a big scary city.

I should be proud of myself.

For a while I lost my fire, I lost what made me, well, me. That spark that used to lead me to do whatever I wanted, to follow my dreams, to tell myself I could survive anything and be better for it.

When I moved out here and the weight of all that I left behind fell on me, I figuratively lay down and let it smother me. I looked at myself in the mirror and had no idea who I was looking at. Where was the girl that was so self-proclaimed? Where was the girl that vowed to be better then Missouri? (this is not to be taken wrong, I love Mo, and living away from it has given me a whole new appreciation for all it has to offer, but it was never my dream)

I've always taken everything head on, I've always labeled myself as a survivor and a strong one at that, but I let it go. There was a little voice that always reminded me what I used to be when I woke up just as defeated as when I fell asleep, but I pushed it away.

But this stupid letter reminded me that I've done so much, accomplished more than most of my high school class (I'm sure this is the true way to measure success, however wrong it may be), and am more than just a survivor, I'm the girl I've always wanted and used to be.

Of course my heart is still broken, this is inevitable in love. Would I be lying if I said I wanted things to work out exactly as they did/have? Yes. But...I can only do so much.

Even love that lasts forever breaks your heart one way or another. This is why I vowed to never love again after Alex, but I found someone worthy of making me want to love again, I found someone I would give a broken heart for.

Nothing lasts forever, as every emo, alternative rock song sings over and over again.

I'm proud to say that I was in love so profoundly that I lost myself when I lost it.

But I have to be who I am because that's what got me this far, and it will get me through whatever may happen next.

Yeah, it's still hard, I'm not going to pretend that it's not, but it's also what makes me a better me. Corny, but true.

Studerday

I was so good today. I woke up in time for a workshop to go over torts, I studied all day so tomo I have the whole day to study for my upcoming civ pro midterm, and I turned down going out so I could actually accomplish actual studying in the morning. Yeah me! I did not work out though. But I did get groceries which almost counts.

So first of all, I still hate beer, but I've decided I do like hard cider, which works our perfectly for this time of year. (Side note: I feel like I have no concept of the time of year, I know it's halfway through Oct, but it doesn't feel like it. It was 84 today, I wore shorts all day. I'm still getting used to this)

Since I was pretty good today, I am drinking cider and watching bad movies on tv.

This is my cider at the beach. Backwards of course. Yeah photo booth!

Also I promised Abby I would post a pic of Jasmine. She is settling in, she likes to play a lot, sometimes when I'm sleeping or studying... Which isn't really her fault, since I'm studying a lot.

She really like receipts, like paper receipts. She carries them around and throws them in the air and jumps on them. It's all very cute, except when it's at 6 in the morning. Then I tell her to shut-up, but she's a cat soooo she ignores me.

So apparently my blog loves hard cider, but hates my cat. Fair enough, I guess. There are "errors" with the upload.

Whatev, I'll try again tomo. Sorry Abby!

Ok so I'm gonna have a ciggy, finish my cider, and watch Project Runway...

this is my life.

omg I have so much work, I am slammed. slammed. The repeat was necessary.

So, instead of facing it head on, I came home and bought a bunch of new music. The new Imogen Heap album has improved my mood considerably (yet not helpful for studying)

I felt bad, but then my trusty friend Jenny texted me about her own unproductiveness, and I felt better.

Today was the first day it was chilly (65 degrees is chilly here). It also rained, I haven't seen rain since I left Mo. Everyone was complaining about how cold it was, and I was all on my high horse, "Oh I'm fine, warm actually. If we were in Missouri right now, this would be warm and people would love it". On and on. Then as the wind picked up, I started shivering, and oh did I hear it-From all sides imitating me "If we were in Missouri...." "Oh this would be nothing in Missouri..." I curled up on the bench and flipped them off, as they deserved. I am becoming a Cali baby.

Our profs were just making fun of Cali people for wearing layers in 60 degree weather. Then today I saw a girl in a hat and gloves. The low today was 59!

Winter break is going to be a slap in the face. Esp if I stop in Vegas first......

So much to do, which means blog time.

Let's see. The other day I went to the beach, it was nice because it was slightly chilly and windy, but still warm. I like to walk on the beach because other then the obvious reasons, it's a good work out and the only working out I do(I'm busy...and lazy). While I was there, I listened to the new Paramore album. "Brand New Eyes" is not as good as "Riot!", but it'll do-Mostly because of the last 2 tracks. "Misguided Ghosts" and "All I Ever Wanted" have pretty much been on repeat on my iTunes all week.

We had our first midterm. It was intense. We take our exams on this program that locks your computer, but lets you take the exam. Luckily, (well kinda) all our midterms are practice. I still want to do well because it's all practice for finals and it will let me know how I'm doing.

I have two midterms this week, hence all the work, and then the last one is next week. ugh I should be outlining........

I feel so scattered-as I'm sure this entry reflects. I just need to push myself to focus, which is so much workkkkkkk. okokok I'm gonna do it.

As much as it pains me to say this, and it does, I feel like Bella in New Moon right now. First of all, yes I am comparing my life to fairy tale about vampires. Second, I hated New Moon.

If you've ever read it, which some of you may have (all my avid fans), after Edward leaves the book is broken down into months, and after the wolves "save" Bella from the woods, months and months go by with nothing written. It just says the month, then a blank page, then the next month for a while.

That's how I feel, although not quite that bad. I feel like days and days go by and I'm in this weird fog. I can honestly say I don't feel like myself. I mean I'm doing a lot more than Bella, I have school and am making new friends, and live here obvi. But there is still that feeling. I do things, but I live life in this foggy numb state.

I know it will get better, it did for Bella and she and Edward were fated and shit. So it will get better for me.

Oh well, maybe I can appreciate New Moon more...

No, I still hate Jacob.

I love having a cat-it's almost like having a bf.

Tonight Jasmine chased and ate a spider for me! Not only did she kill it, she got rid of the body!

Last week I was cursing living alone because I had to catch and put a spider outside, but a cat finds it entertaining and fulfilling. Things are looking up.

I'm getting over my cold, but it's not gone yet. Of course I want a ciggy soooooo bad and I can't- it will make me feel worse. And I don't know how many times I yelled at sick people for smoking while sick (one person in particular). So I need to be strong and wait until I'm better.

GG was super good this week. Blair and Chuck were back to their old selves, S finally got involved in the G situation, and...well that's it. I don't care about anyone else. (Vanessa and Little J are boring, as is Nate)

I bought my plane ticket today for Christmas. Don't know how I feel about that yet, except it will be nice to not have a billion things going on for 3 weeks. And my outlines will be updated for 3 whole weeks before they need more work. Plus I do miss my family and Saphira. And I get to see K!

Anyway, that's not for 2 and a half months.

I should work on contractsssssssss but I don't want to. It's my least favorite class. Maybe I'll go to bed early, wake up early, and get a fresh start...good plan.

ugh. I'm pretty sure God loves kicking me when I'm down.

Today I have a presentation, Westlaw training, a group project and class, this is a busy day, but no prob. Except I woke up with a cold (wtf? it's 75 degrees here), I started my period, and midterms are next week.

The upsetting thing is it's totally my fault I have this cold. I haven't really been taking care of myself, and I know when I get stressed my immune system takes a nosedive.

oh well, what do they say? "It's always darkest before the dawn"? I'll just think of that.

I hope I don't give Jasmine my cold, can that happen?

This has been a heavy weekend. I got my cat, Jasmine. (pics later when she wants to stay still)

I also found out my friends are worried about me. It's a weird feeling, especially since I'm never the one to worry about. But worse than that weird feeling was the next feeling that slammed into me. The realization that what I've been hoping for in the back of my mind, what has kept me going on my bad days, is never going to happen.

There is some odd relief knowing that it's over, it is still ridiculously hard to wrap my head around. While there was never any reason to believe that it was not over, I let my mind and heart mingle together for too long.

Two friends (an old and a new) told me (in the gentlest way possible) that if it was meant to be and if he loved me enough it would happen, but it's not happening.

In my head I thought of every reason to make it work, to try, to think it was worth saving. For every reason, Jenny said "Ciera those are great reasons, but you can't make someone think that way, and you shouldn't be the only one thinking that way. If he loved you enough, he, no matter how confusing or hard, would be asking you how to help him make it work and he's not doing anything close." It was then, then again at 3am, then again on the phone with K, that I realized it was over.

So on my bed with Jasmine lying next to me, silently crying, I told myself it was time to let go. While I think I'm worth it and I feel the opportunity is a once in a lifetime opportunity, if he doesn't feel that way, then we weren't meant to be.

In the end, there is nothing sad about that. I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason, and while our reason wasn't a lifetime, it was everything it could've been.

I miss everything about my last two years at Truman, but I couldn't stay in college forever and I can't make us flip to the same page.

I feel so old. During the week I'm tired by 10:30. This is really scary, but I am hoping it reflects how much I'm putting into school.

In other news, I am SO glad I jumped on the Glee train. I think the show is super cute and fun.

GG is having a slow start, but I'm going to give it some time. I think they just need to settle into life after high school. Although B and Chuck are ridiculously cute. Luckily I love them or I would be annoyed with their happiness.

Whittier is getting settled, the cliches are starting, the gossip is warming up, and people are starting to hook up. When you have classes with the same 90 people everyday, I would just say be careful, but I don't because I reap the benefits. So many people warned me that law school was ridiculously similar to high school-Only law school is like a high school where you can get drunk more and people are trying to stab you in the back for grades (not boys)

Unlike Truman, I am happy to be uninvolved.

I've decided I'm jumping the cat bandwagon and getting a cat.(shout-out Cathy!) Pets are in, I guess. I really want a dog, but I don't have time this year. Maybe next year when I have more time, but with a cat I don't have to worry about coming back too drunk to walk it. The kitten rescue people are coming on Weds to do a home-check (they don't realize it will take them all of 10 seconds to look at my entire apartment) then hopefully I get approved(I will be a perfect cat mom, who is a better pet person then someone who doesn't like kids? No one). Then Stormy (formally) / Jasmine will be delivered to me--I've decided to try and name every pet I have after a Disney character. Like a dog, a kitten would be great, but I decided that's not really fair. I would hate for a kitten to be left here when I'm at class or out, I'm just so busy I would never have anytime to play with it as much as I would want to. An adult kitty is used to hanging out alone and they sleep a lot. Jasmine is a perfect year and a half.

I decided I need something to come home to and something to do when I get tired of reading. In K-ville I was always surrounded by people and

now I'm making new friends, but I live alone (I get to throw my bras on the floor!) so I need another

life force around.

I knew Jasmine was the one for me when we m

et. She isn't the most beautiful cat, but when they took her out of her cage(I should be approved just because my apartment is not a cage) I knew. I sat on the ground while she roamed around, but she came right over and climbed in my lap.

I also like her because when people tap on the glass at PetCo she ignores them.

And what a purrfect (I'm tired) weekend to get her, si

nce I don't have class on Monday.

In other news, I went wine tasting on Friday in Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara is so pretty.

I did not take this, btw. Wine tasting was nice, the guys we were with got so annoying-Jenny and I were over it at the end, but it was still a nice day away. Before we started driving back though we went to this beach in Isla Vista and it was, I don't know, so cool. It was all foggy and windy and beautiful in the saddest way. It made me remember why I moved here. I'll put up a pic, but it's not as good as the one's I took with my phone (which I have no idea how to put on my laptop) You can still see how wonderful it is.

There are these huge rocks right in the middle of the water, I so wanted to go sit on it as the waves crashed up with the wind in my hair-Circa Little Mermaid. I didn't because I was drunk and it was cold. Maybe next time.

I wish someone would tell me how to feel or how to deal. (I'm aware this rhymes) It's been 2 and half months and I still feel like I left yesterday. Why won't this feel better? How long is it supposed to take? ugh.

I hate how emo this is too-Don't think you're alone.

Yeah this didn't make me feel better. Next option.... It sucks when you have to take class into account. hm.

So, I decided to suck it up and quit moping around my apartment this morning. I thought going to the beach might make me feel better, since it's the one of the reasons for my move. And the best I ever feel now is when I'm driving down PCH with the windows down at night. It makes me like I'm in an alternative music video. Or Marissa.

I decided the morning is the best time for a beach walk, mostly because the fog/morning clouds are really conducive for making me feel more emo.

I love that sucking feeling when the water goes out. Like the ocean is trying to pull you with it

I really want to live in one of those cute houses right on the ocean. You can't see how cute they are, but trust me.

Then I had to go back and do some Contracts. I honestly did not put my desk in this very studious order-This is how it looks when I study. I don't even have to try to have like 20 books open a the same time. (My coffee has chocolate eclair creamer in it which I would recommend)

Well, I feel very artistic (this is my artistic peak, although I made pop out scrapbook once)

so I've done what I can for the day.

Ok subconscious, you are not helping-I'm trying to move on, but you refuse to let me.

I've had dreams about him the last two nights and I wake up sad. As you can imagine, it really puts a damper on the rest of my day.

When I watch Tool Academy 2, I realize that no matter what--life is not that bad.

Or "More to Love" -if it wasn't on Tuesday night I would play this great drinking game I made up where you take a shot every time a girl cries. If you've ever seen the show, you would know that this game would fucking floor you. I'm crossing my fingers for a second season.

Reality TV heals....or at least makes me laugh.

Now to do Civ Pro tonight or tomorrow morning...?

I'm blogging because I promised myself I would start my outlines today....so here I am!

It really isn't hard, just tedious and probably good for me to start putting stuff together. ugh.

I went out on Thursday, which was fun and really good for me. It was nice to see everyone outside of the school scene and to drink. We went out in Huntington Beach on Main Street which leads to the pier which is out over the ocean. It blows my mind that the ocean is just right there. Like I could just go walk into it. I wouldn't cause like I was drunk and it's really cold, but other than that-right there.

Everyday gets a little better. When people say that, I'm like yeah ok whatev. But it does. For a few weeks living alone was one of the hardest things I've done. Esp in a new place starting all over alone with my thoughts. But what I realized is that living alone allows you to face things head on. I can't escape how I feel and my thoughts seem to echo, but the more I face it, the easier it is. I really think I have to let the pain wash over me when it comes and just deal. If I run away, it will catch up to me later, and I'll have to face it then. I don't know, it just seems better this way.

What I can't deal with is being lied to and disappointed. The sad thing is, I'll forever remember everything with a tinge of what happened at the end. Maybe I don't deserve what I needed, but I was promised it. I counted on that.

Ok, seriously, outlines.

The beginning

Tomorrow is my first day of actual classes. I am so nervous, because not only can the professors randomly call on me and expect me to know the answer (since I just did a bunch of homework), but because this is the beginning of a path I will be on for the rest of my life. There are so many obstacles. After the first year, the lowest 30% are asked not to return. Then in 3 years I have to take the bar, and it seems karma has caught up with me because Cali has the hardest bar in the U.S. (followed by NY, in case you wondered, and I think TX is 3rd) then I have to find a job and excel at it. I mean people do it all the time, but it's really fucking scary. For me. People apply to masters programs that only accept like 3 people or some shit, so like they win, but still I'm nervous.

It's just crazy that this is it, the start of my life goal. whew.

Ok, so tomorrow it is.

Side Note: It feels so weird that everyone is going back to Truman and I'm not. And it's freshman week. I don't know, I guess I shouldn't be sad, but I am. It's hard. Harder than I expected...

I am so tired. And instead of finishing my last case brief, I just did some facebook stalking.

Pri-or-it-ies People.

And now I am blogging. And I just cleaned out my downloads....aghh.

Ok, seriously.

So I have my good moments (Orientation) and bad (home alone, watching every Vh1 show available) but there are times when it really hits me.

I was stalking Karianne on facebook, (I am too prideful to add anyone I met at Orientation) and I noticed an event that I curiously clicked on. Of course it was a party at our fav frat (eye roll) All of a sudden I am thrown into a downward spiral even Law and Order can't take my mind off of. It's weird not being invited, and not going,...and not dating the president. I love my life, don't get me wrong. I love Cali and I love (ok eventually) law school. I would never have given up coming here for anything, but it's such a change. I mean, I'm so used to parties, my friends, BOB, and having a bf I adore.

Mostly, I feel out of it. If I am absolutely honest, I guess I'm sad that life in K-ville can seemingly go on without a hitch minus my presence. As obvious as I know that is, there is still a point when I had to have this realization.

Now that I've discussed this in public (I'm aware how retarded this is) I must get to my homework.

Side Note: In Law School, I'm told (since I haven't actually started) you are supposed to study 50 hours a week-thats 7.15 a DAY-including weekends. This is not including the time spent in class. I am so not bitching, well yeah I am.

Soon I will be too busy to even think about frat parties.

So, I was in Irvine for breakfast and I drove past UC-Irvine and I felt my heart break a little. Not that Truman compares at all to any UC school, but it's still a campus. There weren't any actual students there, but I felt the electricity in the air. You know, the start of a new year, the excitement, the nerves, the comfort of college (there is an odd comfort knowing you are safe from the real world). I have to admit, even though I start an entirely new journey tomo, I miss the fun of coming back to Truman-esp at the end when I felt like I had everything in the bag.

Mostly, I'm sure, it stems from the nervousness surrounding tomorrow. I don't know anyone, the campus, the professors, or even what to expect. The mystery and fear that is law school is overwhelming right now. I just want to get there and get started.

I'm ready for everything to fall into place.

Ah. So long time, no post.

I am finally moved in to my apartment. I have new everything. And I have internet and cable. This is all good. And I love living alone.

Orientation starts on Monday...I will refrain from talking about it, because it makes me want to throw up, due to nerves.

LA, or more specifically the O.C., is now my city and it feels so surreal. I can't believe I live here, I think it will take a while to set in.

Maybe one day I'll be fancy and put pictures up here of my new desk and desk chair (which I LOVE ) Thanks to Living Spaces. Actually I owe this apartment to Living Spaces and Target. And a few loans.

I feel like dying. I don't even care how emo I sound right now.

This is the first time in my life I have ever been jealous of married people, at least they get to be around the people they love (if they happen to love their spouse) or connected by law

I have decided the only thing that can pull me out of the dark rut that will be my life after Saturday and a facebook relationship change is having a famous person see me in LA and want me so bad he buys me stuff.

Whether I return his advances is no matter. I honestly doubt I can be swayed by anything, but a new car would be cool. Oh and having law schools that rejected me see that I am cool and not unattractive would be sweet.

Not that I have any readers, but I feel the need to blog. I think I'm weening myself into a life of blogging, although after I get to LA I have no idea how long it will take to get internet. There is no free internet in LA. Ah, the big city.

I got my 3rd tattoo yesterday, it was fine, it hurt like a bitch and I sweat so much that when the guy asked me to turn over for another angle I pulled the plastic with me, but other then that-fine.

It was at least 5x more painful then my others, but those were on the fattest part of my body as opposed to right on top of my bones. Apparently on the ribs is the most difficult and painful place to get a tat.

I must say, I'm pretty proud of myself.

Minus the stinging and the fact that I can't wear any sort of bra for 2 weeks. I know since I have tiny boobs, this seems like an ok problem, but bras help with the illusion of breasts.

The price of art.

I'll put a pic up later, I am currently in the Il Spaz parking lot, so a picture session is out of the question. I just needed to get out of my apartment and I knew I would catch both Elmer and Karianne on their way out of work.

I packed a lot today. My room is a mess, but I think tomo will help, I need to run a bunch of errands to get rid of stuff.

Moving is such a fucking pain. ugh.

So ever since I have come into contact with my new MacBook I have been on it all the time. I'm afraid I am going to wear it out before I even get to law school, which can't happen since I have to borrow over $57,000 for ONE YEAR and I will soon be the poorest person I know (if I don't count all the loan money which will just be begging me to not spend it not on rent and food, but on clothes and alcohol and clubs and everything in LA)

Will power.

I really want to get a new phone, but I'm spending more money than I thought I would be tomorrow on my 3rd tat. Priorities eh?

Although I might have some extra loan money for a phone....hmmm

My parents have now decided to come get me on Weds instead of Thurs. At first they ignored my horrified and angry looks, but then caved and suggested I come stay with Elmer on Friday night and come back on Sat to get ready to leave on Sun. It's so annoying they know I stay with him, but won't let us sleep together when we visit. Anyway, so Weds and Thurs I need to:

1. estimate how much stuff I can put in my car (including my mom's shit)

2. pack travel clothes

3. repack clothes that will fit

4. find other things I want to take and make them fit in my car

5. clean my car

6. clean out under my childhood bed-at my mom's request/demand.

7. prepare my self for the end of my most healthy and best relationship with someone I still love and leave my bffs.

that shouldn't take long.

So clearly I have an immense amount of trouble writing about GG. The last part of this season may not have been the best, but the finale was amazing. If you haven't seen it, you must- If you watch GG. If you do not watch Gossip Girl, you should start. Now.

Since I fail at writing about GG, and it's off the air for a while, maybe I will use this blog to write about a big city. As the name might suggest.

I leave to move down there in...about 12 days. I can barely believe it.

Side note: I am having odd stomach cramps, do you think my laptop is giving me cancer?

Anyway, it might be fun chronicling a new life, finding an apartment, getting through law school, finding new people to drink with, etc. Or I'll just forget to like the Gossip Girl discussions.

hm

I know I haven't written in forever.
I am aware this is annoying to all my loyal followers...3 people?
But I am overwhelmingly, don't have time to eat right (although I never did anyway), sleep normal hours, busy.
If I don't graduate May 9th, it is because I have died from stress.
If I don't die, I promise to give this blog the attention it deserves.
Also catch everyone up on GG, because I love, love, love it.

If there is one thing I don't know very well and should it is my big city.

I am flying into LA in a few hours, to do mature, adult things (NO!, not a porn)
and I have to drive myself to these important places.
I have spent 2 summers there and regularly get lost, cute huh?

If I paid Verizon an extra $30 a month I could get GPS right on my phone.
I don't know about having GPS either.

Yeah airport security!
I do know I need to take the lighters out of my purse.
That is my springbreak tip to everyone-remove lighters before going under the magnetic arch or they will throw them away!!! and reprimand you.

Ahhh so behind, and not because I have been watching GG.
As a reminder, no NEW Gossip Girl til... omg OMFG-I just went to cwtv.com to check when the new episodes were coming back (March 16) and a new trailer/whatever thing is up and I'm in the library so I couldn't hear, but it doesn't even matter because seeing was more than enough.
Boo-ya

well that totally threw me off for the day, so my next post will contain some more random expertise.
And by expertise I mean random blogging about nothing.

XOXO

I thought of another thing I know:
That thing is Gossip Girl.
Now I must be honest, Gossip Girl is very much like The O.C. only on the Upper East Side of NYC instead of the sands of Orange County.
This is totally fine with me, because NYC is cool. Plus The O.C. sucked after Marissa died. Ryan and Taylor? um, please.
Since GG has the same writers as The O.C., I am pretty sure they are laughing their asses off when they recycle the same plots-with some character attributes from the original GG books- and see people scramble when they have to wait a few weeks to find out if anyone will know that Dan (fresh off a break-up with Serena) slept with their just-fired teacher. (Slut!) I know for a fact people are scrambling because I just watched that very thing happen and almost knocked myself out when I found out there are NO NEW EPISODES until MARCH.
It is February 4th today. I'm sorry CW, are you sure this is wise? Some not-so-dedicated fans might give up. I, of course, refuse. But I am a very loyal person. So, I will wait those 4, or 5, long weeks until Gossip Girl returns to TV.

Luckily though there are GG spoiler sites.
So now, when I am in Intro to Sociology, I can mull over whether or not Nate and Blair will get back together or if Lily and Rufus will force their families to move in together, which would mean Serena and Dan would live together. ahhhhhhh!!! (see? SEE?) A story line like no other.

Except The O.C.

Horses and Gossip Girl.
Law school will be a breeze.

XOXO

Blogging is hip (?)

I realize blogging is cool (again). So, I am totally hopping on that wagon. But I have noticed that most people blog about their particular area of expertise-For example, my bf blogs about art, I know nothing about art. I really have no area of expertise, except horses. So, I guess I could write about horse happenings, or do tutorials of the equestrian nature, but really? Plus no one would really understand, unless they happen to know about horses. Then it would be silly for them to read about horse stuff they already know. There can be no profound opinions when it comes to horses-you either like them or you don't
My art seems to be lost on the blog world.
So then why am I blogging?
Because, as I already mentioned, it is cool and hip. Progressive, really.
Now I can talk about my blog at parties.