I don't know what to be for halloween

I want a costume that is cute, low key, easy, and not absolutely stupid.

I do this every Halloween, so I'll do what I do every year and wait until the last minute.

89 degrees and sunny

It was so hot today, I am not complaining...a lot. I didn't even want to smoke between classes because it was too hot. That very fact is how I know I am not a real smoker. If I can't even brave the elements to get nicotine, I am a fake. This makes me happy.

So I just finished what our legal writing professors call a "Research Path". It took soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long. Seriously. Probably like 10 hours altogether, for 40 points, in a legal writing class, not even Civ Pro where I should probably be spending an extra 10 hours (this will come and be hell)

I'm so annoyed, like when as an attorney will I have to fight 60 other people for the same book, and do all this other stupid shit? Never.

Oh well, it's finished now. Although after GG I have so much reading for Torts, which I hate because I'm always so pumped after GG-All that yelling at the characters and "OMFGs" really get me going.

Maybe I will wait to post this until after Gossip Girl so I can write about it and calm down. A ciggy will also help and it's....71 degrees now (thank you Dashboard!) so I can handle that.

Oh No! Nest week's trailer led me to believe it could be the end on B and S...that just can't happen. Well... as long as B and Chuck are together it probably could, they are the hottest, messiest couple ever and I love it. Tonight was good, but not crazy good, but good enough to make me happy. On a side note: Little J is boring, they tried making her really "poor" and sad, then they had her run away and play with Marissa's little sister, and now she is queen and I'm still bored.

Another side note, Family Guy is now on (I know some of you do not like Family Guy, but I think it is hilar) and it's the Star Wars episode and they just made this joke about downtown LA but you would only get it if you lived in LA and I totally got it!!

My night is now complete.

I've missed you

Today in the mail I got my registration confirmation from the State Bar of California and oddly, I was filled with pride. Now I'm gonna go ahead and note that all that is required to be part of the state Bar of CA at this point is to be a first year law student and pay $92(the beginning of a long relationship where I pay a ton of money to the bar and they give me not a lot in return), but for the first time in awhile I was proud of myself. This letter helped me realize that I should be proud of myself.

I'm in law school and I know it's not the best law school, but it's not a bad school, and I got a really nice scholarship to come here, which is hard. (Do not ask me how I got the scholarship, I still do not know)

I also moved out here knowing very few people, none that are my age, I found an apartment by myself, take care of everything by myself, and am surviving in a big scary city.

I should be proud of myself.

For a while I lost my fire, I lost what made me, well, me. That spark that used to lead me to do whatever I wanted, to follow my dreams, to tell myself I could survive anything and be better for it.

When I moved out here and the weight of all that I left behind fell on me, I figuratively lay down and let it smother me. I looked at myself in the mirror and had no idea who I was looking at. Where was the girl that was so self-proclaimed? Where was the girl that vowed to be better then Missouri? (this is not to be taken wrong, I love Mo, and living away from it has given me a whole new appreciation for all it has to offer, but it was never my dream)

I've always taken everything head on, I've always labeled myself as a survivor and a strong one at that, but I let it go. There was a little voice that always reminded me what I used to be when I woke up just as defeated as when I fell asleep, but I pushed it away.

But this stupid letter reminded me that I've done so much, accomplished more than most of my high school class (I'm sure this is the true way to measure success, however wrong it may be), and am more than just a survivor, I'm the girl I've always wanted and used to be.

Of course my heart is still broken, this is inevitable in love. Would I be lying if I said I wanted things to work out exactly as they did/have? Yes. But...I can only do so much.

Even love that lasts forever breaks your heart one way or another. This is why I vowed to never love again after Alex, but I found someone worthy of making me want to love again, I found someone I would give a broken heart for.

Nothing lasts forever, as every emo, alternative rock song sings over and over again.

I'm proud to say that I was in love so profoundly that I lost myself when I lost it.

But I have to be who I am because that's what got me this far, and it will get me through whatever may happen next.

Yeah, it's still hard, I'm not going to pretend that it's not, but it's also what makes me a better me. Corny, but true.

Studerday

I was so good today. I woke up in time for a workshop to go over torts, I studied all day so tomo I have the whole day to study for my upcoming civ pro midterm, and I turned down going out so I could actually accomplish actual studying in the morning. Yeah me! I did not work out though. But I did get groceries which almost counts.

So first of all, I still hate beer, but I've decided I do like hard cider, which works our perfectly for this time of year. (Side note: I feel like I have no concept of the time of year, I know it's halfway through Oct, but it doesn't feel like it. It was 84 today, I wore shorts all day. I'm still getting used to this)

Since I was pretty good today, I am drinking cider and watching bad movies on tv.

This is my cider at the beach. Backwards of course. Yeah photo booth!

Also I promised Abby I would post a pic of Jasmine. She is settling in, she likes to play a lot, sometimes when I'm sleeping or studying... Which isn't really her fault, since I'm studying a lot.

She really like receipts, like paper receipts. She carries them around and throws them in the air and jumps on them. It's all very cute, except when it's at 6 in the morning. Then I tell her to shut-up, but she's a cat soooo she ignores me.

So apparently my blog loves hard cider, but hates my cat. Fair enough, I guess. There are "errors" with the upload.

Whatev, I'll try again tomo. Sorry Abby!

Ok so I'm gonna have a ciggy, finish my cider, and watch Project Runway...

this is my life.

omg I have so much work, I am slammed. slammed. The repeat was necessary.

So, instead of facing it head on, I came home and bought a bunch of new music. The new Imogen Heap album has improved my mood considerably (yet not helpful for studying)

I felt bad, but then my trusty friend Jenny texted me about her own unproductiveness, and I felt better.

Today was the first day it was chilly (65 degrees is chilly here). It also rained, I haven't seen rain since I left Mo. Everyone was complaining about how cold it was, and I was all on my high horse, "Oh I'm fine, warm actually. If we were in Missouri right now, this would be warm and people would love it". On and on. Then as the wind picked up, I started shivering, and oh did I hear it-From all sides imitating me "If we were in Missouri...." "Oh this would be nothing in Missouri..." I curled up on the bench and flipped them off, as they deserved. I am becoming a Cali baby.

Our profs were just making fun of Cali people for wearing layers in 60 degree weather. Then today I saw a girl in a hat and gloves. The low today was 59!

Winter break is going to be a slap in the face. Esp if I stop in Vegas first......

So much to do, which means blog time.

Let's see. The other day I went to the beach, it was nice because it was slightly chilly and windy, but still warm. I like to walk on the beach because other then the obvious reasons, it's a good work out and the only working out I do(I'm busy...and lazy). While I was there, I listened to the new Paramore album. "Brand New Eyes" is not as good as "Riot!", but it'll do-Mostly because of the last 2 tracks. "Misguided Ghosts" and "All I Ever Wanted" have pretty much been on repeat on my iTunes all week.

We had our first midterm. It was intense. We take our exams on this program that locks your computer, but lets you take the exam. Luckily, (well kinda) all our midterms are practice. I still want to do well because it's all practice for finals and it will let me know how I'm doing.

I have two midterms this week, hence all the work, and then the last one is next week. ugh I should be outlining........

I feel so scattered-as I'm sure this entry reflects. I just need to push myself to focus, which is so much workkkkkkk. okokok I'm gonna do it.

As much as it pains me to say this, and it does, I feel like Bella in New Moon right now. First of all, yes I am comparing my life to fairy tale about vampires. Second, I hated New Moon.

If you've ever read it, which some of you may have (all my avid fans), after Edward leaves the book is broken down into months, and after the wolves "save" Bella from the woods, months and months go by with nothing written. It just says the month, then a blank page, then the next month for a while.

That's how I feel, although not quite that bad. I feel like days and days go by and I'm in this weird fog. I can honestly say I don't feel like myself. I mean I'm doing a lot more than Bella, I have school and am making new friends, and live here obvi. But there is still that feeling. I do things, but I live life in this foggy numb state.

I know it will get better, it did for Bella and she and Edward were fated and shit. So it will get better for me.

Oh well, maybe I can appreciate New Moon more...

No, I still hate Jacob.